You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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