I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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