exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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