and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I cut my penus on the lid.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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