Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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