I looked at my own cervix.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
