the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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