$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
