Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
