Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I'm always down for nudity.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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