Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Randomize
