Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me