You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.