Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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