yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
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i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
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She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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