I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
