NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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