New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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