it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
