I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
