on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
