I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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