i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
