Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
