Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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