I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
