I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
