I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Randomize
