apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
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You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
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So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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