your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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