This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
This is classic penis vs brain.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
