I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Randomize
