She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
