There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
you win again, gameday.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
