My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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