Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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