My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
