I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Randomize
