Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
