my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Randomize
