Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
