And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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