ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
time to smoke my breakfast
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
