Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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