is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
