There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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