I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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