peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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