Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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