Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
