So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
