I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I got inside last night via doggy door
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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