let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
