ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
