my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
