My hand turned me down
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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