Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
