I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Randomize
