finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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