yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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