Do you still have your period?
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
