if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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