New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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